How to Play Battlefield 1 like a Moron (How not to play)

bf1Battlefield 1 is one of the biggest first person shooters to hit the market in 2016. The combined first week sales have topped both Battlefields 4 and Hardline combined. The cinematic beauty and horror of this game, combined with its playing mechanics, makes for a great experience; except when it comes to playing multiplayer with the noobs. With that said, this equates to more noobs and fresh bodies who have never experienced what battlefield is like on the front-lines and not in the world of COD. However, COD fanboys, and players who still can’t break themselves away from that style of game play, still dont seem to get! How to play battlefield that is. You can’t change people and their stupidity, so here is guide for all the newcomers and COD fanboys on how to play Battlefield the only way they know how.

War is senseless, so is your life

WWI was a senseless war and the average life of a pilot or foot solider in the trenches lasted maybe a few hours if lucky. So, in Battlefield 1, treat your life as such!

  • Don’t get behind cover, run full  auto straight into the enemy. Who cares if there is ticket bleed, you’re an authentic player! After all, K/D doesn’t matter, right?
  • Leave the safety of your squad and go rouge, you dont care about your life or you squads, its all about you, since your life will be short anyways. YOLO!
  • If you see a tank and are not equipped to take it down, fire at it with your pistol anyway for a quick and senseless death. Ticket bleed means nothing to you since someone is calling you for dinner or you;re about to roll that fat joint.
  • Don’t use the trenches, run into open ground; firing like a mad man to get the attention you want and deserve! Its all about you, the individual, not the team. You’re part of the impatient and instant gratification generation, whats teamwork?
  • Don’t give ammo to other payers when they call for it. They wont need another clip or mag because they will be dead anyways in a few minutes, why bother, right?
  • Don’t give out medicine or band-aid patches, healing is for the weak. Run full auto into the enemy on low health to show them how tough of a motherfucker you are!
  • As a squad leader, neglect on giving orders. You dont need the massive points, and your squad is full of grown adults who can think for themselves during chaos!
  • Choose the scout class when inside a city, you’ll only need one bullet to take down an entire enemy squad in a tight alley way; because you are so fuck’n smart and badass.
  • On a countryside map, choose the scout class, and snipe from impossible distances to show your team how much of a genius you are at hiding behind rocks and not dying once in a round (whilst getting 100 pts) Your a minimalist after all and a voyeur who loves to watch his friends and teammates get hacked to bits while you’re allowed to jerkoff in the forest.
  • When approaching an objective down a city street, walk/run down the middle like Clint Eastwood instead of hugging the walls; you’re invisible, just like in real life.
  • When throwing an incendiary grenade make sure you stand within its radius; if you catch on fire you will be the shining light of the war! Everyone will love you for your bravery and unsolicited suicide.
  • Always bunch up in a group so that when a likely mortar or grenade comes flying in you and your buddies will be sure to keep the women back home busy; writing to next of kin in regards to the notice of your death. Those typewriters weren’t purchased for nothing! 

Remember, your playing style reflects you as a person. It seems that the majority of people who play today regard their lives as worthless. That’s great! More head-shots for me! I love the sound of Fa-ding when my bullet pierces through your helmet and cranium; introducing your skull to a new cavity to which i’ll then tea-bag. Your worthless anyways, so why would you care how i’ll humiliate you on the battlefield? Thanks for play’n.

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