My Awkward Sexual Adventure: An Ode to the Poindexter

ImageWarning: The people in this film are trained professionals. Any relationships that are undertaken in this film are dangerous and should not be attempted at home.

Films are great because they tend to bring to light the opposite of what happens in real life (if you have experienced a lot already). They also tend to muddy the lens of actual reality and make one think that what you are seeing on the screen plays out in the everyday timeline and is in fact normal.

The 2012 Indie film My Awkward Sexual Adventure blends a bit of both—the very common along with the absolute ridiculous.

Everything we need to know about Jordan Abrams’s ( A.k.a Poindexterius Maximus) sexual prowess, we learn in one of our opening scenes: where your typical stock footage sex montage might feature trains rushing into tunnels and exploding oil derricks, we get a photocopier, duly collating. When the montage is finished, Jordan can’t, thanks to his girlfriend’s mild snoring— there’s nothing like a girl “Star-fishing” to get a man going.

With the exception of its Canadian setting, the story here could basically have been put together via Bit Strips: Jordan, played with nebbish nervousness by writer Jonas Chernick, is a mild-mannered accountant who has made it into his thirties without ever managing to please a woman. This is an area of some concern to girlfriend Rachel (Sarah Manninen), who responds to his sickly sweet marriage proposal by practically weeping that she could never live the rest of her life only having sex with him.

This revelation sends Jordan off to Toronto on his own, where he splits time between horn dog friend Dandak (Vik Sahay) and the surprisingly welcoming stripper Julia (Emily Hampshire). Julia not only takes Jordan under her wing, she has dreams of one day opening a restaurant, and if you can’t figure out where this is going, I’d like to congratulate you on making it halfway through your first movie review.

Rachel is off “finding herself” by banging some rando’s and having a German three-way with some light S&M involved. It’s your classic case of: girl finds a Beta Male to keep her life stable while she goes out and sits on Alpha D*ck all day long. We can only assume through real human nature that the fictitious relationship between Rachel and Jordan resembled this phenomenon — she most likely was cheating on him before he proposed.

The plot may be nothing but fishing lines on which to hang some awkward sexual adventures, but Chernick and director Sean Garrity at least find some interesting tableau’s. One of the best scenes takes place at a rub and tug, suggested by Julia as a way to build endurance. Jordan’s attempt to prevent pre-mature blast-off range from loudly talking about burnt children’s faces to transposing his mother’s face onto the rub-tugger, another instance of the movie paying off a standard set-up with a surprising punctuation. Another inspired one has Julia and Jordan engaging in a bit of S&M bondage, which slowly turns into a twisted therapy session and then a long scene of Julia helplessly watching as repo men cart off all the household belongings she’s not currently tied to.

The stripper with a heart of gold and a dream is not a character that’s particularly easy to leave a strong stamp on, but Hampshire gives Julia a surprising amount of grounding, turning a trope into a real human and a lively straight woman, in both senses of the term, for Chernick’s perpetual loser to bounce off of.

A little excess body fat never hurt anybody, though. My Awkward Sexual Adventure is a genial and funny, if slightly conventional, date. In real life, relationships with strippers rarely, if ever, turn out like how this Poindexter and dancer’s did. Ultimately, a stripper’s job is to give the man the illusion of love and that sex will follow shortly. The film also points out a general lack of awareness for men of this age about how to please of women properly via “pearl diving”. It’s not hard gentlemen; just remember the 4 quadrants and you will be a Clit Commander in the bedroom.

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