Loosies: An Ode to the One-Night Stand

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A starved Underdog

Director: Micheal Corrente

Stars: Peter Facinelli & Jamie Alexander

Genre: Drama, Comedy, Action, Crime

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There are some things in life that are almost a guarantee; a roll of the dice and left for chance. We roll the dice every time we get up in the morning:

  • We have a 1 in 23,000 chance of getting involved in fatal car accident

  • 1 in 220 chance of writing a New York Times best seller

  • 1 in 11,500 chance of bowling a 300 game

  • 1 in 215 chance of dating a millionaire

  • 1 in 44,64 chance of severely injuring ourselves with a chainsaw

  • 1 in 3 chance of dying from heart disease

  • 1 in 7 chance that you don’t have health insurance

  • 60 percent chance of your marriage ending in divorce for couples who married between the ages of 20 and 25

  • 50 percent of all marriages ending in divorce in cases which the brides are 25 or older.

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The protagonist, Bobby (Peter Facinelli), in the 2011 independent film Loosie’s at first glance won’t be beating the odds on a few items off that list. From what I gathered watching the film; Bobby doesn’t drive or have a car, he doesn’t write novels or anything, he doesn’t bowl, or work with chainsaw’s. Bobby is a borderline vagabond. He scrapes by everyday but tells everyone he works on Wall-Street when he is in fact a “Pick-pocket”(which is funny because working on Wall-street is kind of similar). With that said, we can definitely rule out him having any shred of health insurance.

During his travels and criminal escapades, we the viewer find out through flashbacks that Bobby had a one-night stand with a women named Lucy (Jamie Alexander) who not only works as a bartender(and is a freelance photographer), but lives and sleeps in the backroom of said bar(so we can confidently rule out that Bobby is dating a millionaire).

The whole films progression and evolution basically centers around Bobby -being the big champion that he is- accidentally getting this girl Lucy pregger’s, along with how he must make some life changing choices in order to provide and support her. However, this being a big part and moment of the movie, the whole film and process (like most romantic comedies) seemed too contrived and unconvincing. For starters, the film never addressed or even asked the question if birth control was used (We will guess not). Well my friends, I am going to have some fun doing just that since it needs to be addressed.

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First of all let me just say that the topic of unwanted pregnancies and unprotected sex is no laughing matter for some people, however, this film falls under the sub-category of comedy, so in this context it is. Secondly, what was Bobby thinking not putting on a “Condi” with this girl who he just met? From what I gathered from the film, both Lucy and Bobby were actually sober through the whole sexual ordeal, so there is no excuse to forget to call up your Trojan army for backup. Regardless of all common sense, Bobby went into battle alone without his helmet. Like a sex-starved sailor who’s been on a 12 month tour in the Arabian Sea, Bob threw caution to the wind and played the game of roulette, with life. The thing that Bobby didn’t seem to understand is that the only time you should be riding bare-back into the sunset with a woman is if:

  • A) You’re in an invested and committed relationship and prepared for the prospect of children/go on the journey of life with your significant other (not all birth control is 100%) Not to mention you have a better job than the title of “Pick-Pocket”

  • B) You have had a vasectomy and can shoot more blanks than a new recruit during wargames training.

  • C) An asteroid is about to hit the earth, and turn it into a giant glass parking lot.

To further beat this dead horse, let me use allegory to best make the point, and go into overkill. Let’s say I was at a Chevron gas station one day filling up my tank with some premium octane, and all of a sudden out of nowhere, this extremely gorgeous and exotic looking girl named Lucia asks if I could stick the nozzle into her gas tank and fill it up. After the 3 minutes it takes to get the job done, I then take off into the urban jungle and leave without getting her digits or even saying a word. Does this make any rational sense?

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You’re right, it doesn’t. Giving away gas for free does not make a shred of sense. Gas is precious; it is energy, time, and money. It is what makes the world go round and on keep spinning. Filling up Lucia’s tank though would make sense if this girl and I were planning to take the same car and go on a trip/journey together and split the costs. However, Bobby from the film didn’t do the latter at first. What Bobby didn’t think about also is that you don’t need to put a lot of fuel into the tank to start that engine so to speak.

Alright, I think we get the point.

I’ll stop now. I am almost out of gas.

In closing, this film had some funny parts to it, and had a bevy of colorful actors, however, character was the one main thing missing from this production. Facinelli’s transformation from a feckless charmer to a committed caretaker seemed extremely contrived, leaving the film feeling like a series of stitched-together scenes with little internal drive. The film was worth watching however for the lesson that it teaches: If you are borderline homeless, mug people for a living, and have the cops constantly looking for you, having unprotected sex with a non-millionaire doesn’t exactly put you in a position to best beat the odds of life. Thanks Bobby.

I’ll leave you now with a song and lyrics by the very talented Tegan and Sara from their album Heartthrob that best describes Bob and Lucy’s relationship; they are both jagoffs and fools in the movie, and deserve each other.

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